I am writing this letter to make peace with you, to forgive.
I am forgiving you for remaining tucked away behind the dustiest book on my highest shelf. For being crouched and hidden at the very base of my heart where I couldn’t find you. For not screaming at me and forcing yourself from my sleeping mind and idle fingers and lazy pen and misused keyboard.
I have not been myself without you these past years and when you were present you were either drug fueled or bitter.
I am sorry I did not take care of you. That I didn’t see your value and acknowledge that you are an integral part of who I am. I regret that I didn’t understand that your purpose is my purpose and that we are woven together tightly. We are stronger together, brighter, and you make me valuable. You give me something I can leave my children forever. Something to teach them, to make them proud I was their mother.
You link me to a bigger world by bringing people into mine. You define the things in my life I thought indefinable. You make what is vague, sharp and joyous. You fill gaps. You are my friend, my teacher, my parent, my child. You force me into myself and make me pull at unraveling threads. You also help me sew myself together.
You are quiet. You always wait patiently for me to come get you. I am requesting that you be more forceful and loud. I need you to bang loudly on my door, to pull at my sleeve and force me outside into the sunlight, the vastness and the awkwardness of it all. To not let me wimp out and give up. To rattle me so that I never put you back on that high shelf.
You deserve to be everywhere. On my computer screen and the screens of everyone who wants to drink you in. You are worthy of volumes of metallic patterned notebooks with red ribbon bookmarks. Even the ‘notes’ section of my iphone is your home. You should be everywhere I spill your words and we should be proud together.
One day you will be in your own container and go out into the world as a memoir, but this will not happen until we make peace and value our relationship. So I am letting you know the deep gratitude I have for all that you give me and I am releasing you from all the blame I have put on you. You are not difficult. I have created the struggle all on my own. I ask you to help me ease that mindset and let me carry you gently in my arms and then lay you gracefully on the page.
You are my hero. You rescue me with each blog post, poem and notebook entry. I am grateful for that and I promise to show my love in my actions. I know that I am responsible for your life and that you enhance mine. From this moment I will treat you as the living, breathing entity that you are. I will feed you daily and I will make us proud.
With immense gratitude and love,